To be honest, my life is run by “shoulda’s.” I should have done this or that. I should have tried harder. I should have looked at things from a different perspective. I should have opened my mouth. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have, I should have, I should have.
Well you know what a lot of “shoulda’s” leave? A whole heapin’ mess of guilt. Operating like that for too long, it is one of the most crippling things I can do to myself. I know this very logical truth, yet do I still fall into the trap? Of course. I’m human. And I’m much like a man I greatly respect who says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” And it is when I sit and think about the source that I learn more than I ever thought I would.
I haven’t written much in a long time. And there’s a good reason. It’s hard. It’s hard to write about lessons that the Father is teaching me, because most all of them these days are born out of my own brokenness. And if my life was my own, I certainly wouldn’t be writing them down for the world to read; yet, “it is not I who live, yet [He] who lives within me.” So what am I to do with that? Oh, yeah. Obey. And we are called to walk this road together, so if His work in my life glorifies His Name and causes others to do the same, then I want to share it.
Living in this country has made me closer to the Father than any other experience of my entire life. And you know what? It’s exhausting being close to Him. It really is. It’s exhausting dying every single day. It’s exhausting being poured out. It’s exhausting learning language. It’s exhausting being constantly intentional. It’s exhausting being totally and utterly dependent on Him. And you want to know why?
Because I am human. And we, as a whole, love too much our own lives and desires and schedules and plans and relationships. And the fight is what is exhausting. The fight between my flesh and Him. And in my heart, oh how I wish it was different! How I wish I would always do the thing I want to do! Yet, here we are. Me writing to you about my shortcomings and my failures. And I’m tired. I’m tired. Of me. Always getting in the way.
There’s this constant bondage to self and sin that I still walk in. Seriously, I thought I was done with that? The thing is, Father is done with that. Remember, Morgan, “It is finished.” You just never really realize fully how much we need the Good News. Every. Single. Second. And I’m learning that more and more. I’m living as a slave to something that I’ve already been set free from. How dumb is that? I mean, when you really think about it, what slave, no longer bound by the law, would still desire it? I mean, it is comfortable, because it’s a pattern. But yet, when I see glimpses of the freedom that surrendering brings, I crave it. I crave to believe that I, truly, in and of myself, cannot do it. And moreover, be okay with that.
I can’t do it.
There’s a difference in typing that and saying that, and then having to actually mean it and believe it. And these past 10 weeks, I really, totally, completely have believed that I cannot. How’s that for blowing the “shoulda’s” out of the water? No amount of striving on my part can achieve a standing with Father different than the one I already have. Innocent, holy, dearly loved, child. And in coming to the end of myself, I realize that surrendering to that, welllllll, it brings so much freedom.
I can’t do it. These 10 weeks, there has been no back up plan. There has been no B. There’s been no, “oh, I can survive this season.” My pleadings have been, over and over again, “If You don’t show up, Father, I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”
Y’all, He did. He showed up every single time.
So I feel obligated in thankfulness and humility to talk about it. To talk about what has happened in the past 10 weeks. The good, bad, and ugly.
Because I can’t, but He can.
Well you know what a lot of “shoulda’s” leave? A whole heapin’ mess of guilt. Operating like that for too long, it is one of the most crippling things I can do to myself. I know this very logical truth, yet do I still fall into the trap? Of course. I’m human. And I’m much like a man I greatly respect who says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” And it is when I sit and think about the source that I learn more than I ever thought I would.
I haven’t written much in a long time. And there’s a good reason. It’s hard. It’s hard to write about lessons that the Father is teaching me, because most all of them these days are born out of my own brokenness. And if my life was my own, I certainly wouldn’t be writing them down for the world to read; yet, “it is not I who live, yet [He] who lives within me.” So what am I to do with that? Oh, yeah. Obey. And we are called to walk this road together, so if His work in my life glorifies His Name and causes others to do the same, then I want to share it.
Living in this country has made me closer to the Father than any other experience of my entire life. And you know what? It’s exhausting being close to Him. It really is. It’s exhausting dying every single day. It’s exhausting being poured out. It’s exhausting learning language. It’s exhausting being constantly intentional. It’s exhausting being totally and utterly dependent on Him. And you want to know why?
Because I am human. And we, as a whole, love too much our own lives and desires and schedules and plans and relationships. And the fight is what is exhausting. The fight between my flesh and Him. And in my heart, oh how I wish it was different! How I wish I would always do the thing I want to do! Yet, here we are. Me writing to you about my shortcomings and my failures. And I’m tired. I’m tired. Of me. Always getting in the way.
There’s this constant bondage to self and sin that I still walk in. Seriously, I thought I was done with that? The thing is, Father is done with that. Remember, Morgan, “It is finished.” You just never really realize fully how much we need the Good News. Every. Single. Second. And I’m learning that more and more. I’m living as a slave to something that I’ve already been set free from. How dumb is that? I mean, when you really think about it, what slave, no longer bound by the law, would still desire it? I mean, it is comfortable, because it’s a pattern. But yet, when I see glimpses of the freedom that surrendering brings, I crave it. I crave to believe that I, truly, in and of myself, cannot do it. And moreover, be okay with that.
I can’t do it.
There’s a difference in typing that and saying that, and then having to actually mean it and believe it. And these past 10 weeks, I really, totally, completely have believed that I cannot. How’s that for blowing the “shoulda’s” out of the water? No amount of striving on my part can achieve a standing with Father different than the one I already have. Innocent, holy, dearly loved, child. And in coming to the end of myself, I realize that surrendering to that, welllllll, it brings so much freedom.
I can’t do it. These 10 weeks, there has been no back up plan. There has been no B. There’s been no, “oh, I can survive this season.” My pleadings have been, over and over again, “If You don’t show up, Father, I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”
Y’all, He did. He showed up every single time.
So I feel obligated in thankfulness and humility to talk about it. To talk about what has happened in the past 10 weeks. The good, bad, and ugly.
Because I can’t, but He can.
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